Once I've Had the Best // BENOITE!

[albus]

HELLO THERE,

[/color]
the angel from my nightmare.[/size]

WHERE ARE YOU?[/color]
and I'm so sorry.[/size]
[/center]

It was particularly quiet in the library, though that was to be expected. But something about this day made the silence almost eerie. Outside the sanctuary of Hogwarts, it was dark and raining hard. Albus actually really enjoyed the rain; it helped him sleep at night when sleep seemed hopeless. It also helped him focus on the torturous potions essay before him. He didn't have much left—he was nearly done—but it had been so incredibly boring and excruciating to write. In fact, his left hand was absolutely aching from writing so much. Reading over the last few parts he had written, he reached over and flipped a page in his book.

Dinner would be soon. He didn't know if he would go. Lately, he hadn't had much of an appetite. Al knew his brother and sister would probably be wondering where he was, but he was enjoying the silent atmosphere too much to care. Today wasn't a bad day. He still couldn't sleep. He still couldn't eat. But he felt significantly more relaxed now that he wasn't crowded with people. It also helped that he hadn't seen she-who-must-not-be-named her in days. Although, part of Albus was very worried by that fact. What is she had run away? What if she had done something… drastic? Did he care? Of course he did… but he couldn't admit it. He felt disgusting inside and out.

His hand began to shake, and Al was forced to put down his quill. He thought about writing his parents, but he didn't know what he would say. Besides, for as long as he could remember, Ginny had always been able to gauge how Albus was feeling. Whether he had a fever, or he was upset, or he was internally furious at somebody. No matter how much he hid it, his mother always saw past the facade. As long as he kept his distance for a while, he didn't have to face that sort of exposure. They didn't need to know that he was slowly crumbling into pieces, and they most certainly didn't need to know why.

Albus glanced back down at his essay, his green eyes tired and glazed. Nevertheless, a moment later, his instinctual ambition kicked in, and he picked up his quill to continue writing.

WORDS a bunch
TAGGED benoite
LYRICS i miss you, blink 182
CREDIT me, bitches

[benoite guinevere rowle]

Now the lesson's learned,

[/color]
I touched it; I was burned.

Oh, I think you should know,[/color]
When I'm with him, I am thinking of you.[/color]

One could say, Benoite had dropped the ball on her school work. She didn't attend lessons much, she didn't feel like it mattered. The ones she did go to, she was only there in body, she spent most of her time tucked away, lurking out of sight of anyone who seemed to want to find her. Other friends, or associates, had saught her out a few times, but she dismissed them. They didn't need her problems, and they couldn't help her; they couldn't make her someone else, give her a real family, or make the one she loved come back, so learning didn't really matter. If nothing was fixed by Christmas, she was leaving. She would just disappear, nothing mattered anyhow.

For the most part, she did not see Albus. She would see his back sometimes, and all she did was panic. She was not normally a strong person, but she couldn't face him. She couldn't face that rejection again, and it just didn't help that she was in the same house, there was one day she'd seen him go into the dorm, she'd panicked, and slept in a haunted bathroom. Needless to say, the screaming ghost in there didn't like a Slytherin in her space, but she could suck it up, there wasn't any way Ben was leaving at that point.

The attacks were fewer and farther between the longer he was away from her, but they still happened. She didn't know if there was anything she could do about it, but she tried to look strong, but she wasn't. she was terrible shape, she wanted to die, and she wanted to be out of here, out of this state of mind, everything. She wanted to be alone, but there were so many students, there were hardly any places to be alone. She just didn't know where to go, what to do, or anything of that sort. She just wanted to break. Laugh it all off in your face, what would you do?

And, as she wandered through the stacks in the library, she took one step in the wrong direction, and there he was. He was right in front of her, and she dropped the book she'd been holding, and she froze. She didn't know where to go, she just stared at him, she didn't breath, blink; she couldn't. She didn't know what he was going to do, but she braced herself for the worst.

[/center][/size][/blockquote][/blockquote]

Tags: Albus!
Words: Some!
Outfit: Here!
Lyrics: Thinking Of You - Katy Perry!
Credits: Me![/font][/size]

[albus]

HELLO THERE,

[/color]
the angel from my nightmare.[/size]

WHERE ARE YOU?[/color]
and I'm so sorry.[/size]
[/center]

Finishing up the last few words of his essay, Albus bit his lip and read it over one final time. He had gotten it done much quicker than he had expected. Sitting in the library to complete it had been extremely helpful. Everywhere else was simply always too crowded and loud. He finished proofreading and carefully rolled up the parchment, leaning back in his seat to stretch his stiff spine. Getting this potions essay out of the way helped put his mind at ease. It wasn't like he had been honestly worried about it, with potions being something he excelled in, but it was one less thing that had been pressuring him. Now he could move on and worry about something else. Fun.

Albus adjusted the hat on his head and rubbed at his strained eyes. He considered getting a head start on the rest of his homework, but he was also considering getting a significant amount of caffeine in his system first. Truth be told, he probably could have fallen asleep right there in the library, but he didn't dare. Not only would people stare, but he didn't want to have to deal with his dreams just yet. Albus yawned and shook his head, trying to muck up the strength to get up and go. Before he could go, however, something clashed to the floor in front of him. Al froze and glanced up, slightly startled by the noise. That was when he realized that he shouldn't have looked.

Benoite was standing right in front of him. She was the one who had made the noise, having dropped a book. She was frozen, staring at him, and he did exactly the same to her. His body was completely stiff, and his green eyes widened frantically. Anyone looking on might have thought Albus looked somewhat like a startled cat. All at once, his breath came back to him, and his heart absolutely pounded against his ribcage. He let out the slightest gasp and backed up a little in his seat. Benoite looked equally terrified. Swallowing the painful lump in his throat, Albus realized that he felt terribly torn in three different directions: missing her greatly, being angry at her, and being scared of her.

Al somehow found the strength to break away from the locked gaze first. He almost winced, looking back down at his schoolwork and slowly packing it away. Now he had to get out of here; he couldn't even look at her. "Benoite," he said softly, scrunching his nose and sounding rather displeased. He just wanted to forget everything. "Can I help you?"

WORDS a bunch
TAGGED benoite
LYRICS i miss you, blink 182
CREDIT me, bitches

[benoite guinevere rowle]

Now the lesson's learned,

[/color]
I touched it; I was burned.

Oh, I think you should know,[/color]
When I'm with him, I am thinking of you.[/color]

Terrified didn't even begin to cut it. Every time she saw him, she just figured he would lash out at her like her brother had over him. She was very good at making people dislike her, wasn't she? Much better at making them like her, that was for sure. But, she was just that way; a monster and a misfit. It was what it was and it seemed there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it. Ever. So she might as well just deal with it, and accept her failures. She didn't think her life was worth anything anyway, so why should she care if he killed her? Or told everyone what she was? Then maybe they would kill her and she could just...get out of here? She didn't know where something like her would go after they died; she wasn't a bad person, but guilty by association in this case it seemed.

Though, the expression he gave her wasn't something that one should have all out been scared of. He looked...scared too? She'd just startled him, the anger would come. She knew that much. She raised her hand over the book, and it came back to her wordlessly, and she was shocked she could even move that little bit. She broke the stare, looking down at the floor, and she started to walk off, but she looked back as he spoke, she shook her head, and she said nothing. She didn't know if she had the power to speak at this point in time. She wanted to; there was so much she wanted to say..but she couldn't. Not yet. She fumbled on the words in her head, and she just spoke, "Non, Monsieur." No, sir. It was how she would have responded to the man she was to consider a brother at home, in hopes he wouldn't get up and let her have it.

Did she need something? Sure, lots of things. Mental help, a new home, hardcore sex, maybe a fuzzy animal to spend time with. She just needed...a lot of things, but she didn't want to put it that way, so she shook her head, and looked at the floor. "I am sorry, Albus..." She said quietly, starting to turn to walk away, she didn't need to be here anymore, she didn't want him to get angry...angrier. She just wanted to disappear again.

[/center][/size][/blockquote][/blockquote]

Tags: Albus!
Words: Some!
Outfit: Here!
Lyrics: Thinking Of You - Katy Perry!
Credits: Me![/font][/size]

[albus]

HELLO THERE,

[/color]
the angel from my nightmare.[/size]

WHERE ARE YOU?[/color]
and I'm so sorry.[/size]
[/center]

For what seemed like forever, Albus and Benoite couldn't look away from each other. He felt his expression constantly interchanging between angry and upset. He couldn't look away because he was confused about what he felt when he looked into her dark eyes. There was the most awful fluttering pain in his heart, but his stomach was churning with rage. Albus didn't know if he was mad because he was facing the daughter of the man who killed so many family and friends, or if he was mad because Benoite had lied to him. He wasn't even sure if it was Benoite who he was angry at; it was fate's fault that things were the way they were. Al couldn't look at this girl the same way anymore, that much was clear, but that didn't mean that he had ever stopped loving her.

When Benoite suddenly broke the stare, looking down at the floor, Albus fought the urge to cry out. He realized that, despite all the efforts he had made to stay away from her, he really, truly could not stand her absence; it left a painful hole in his heart. He almost reached out to her as she began to walk away from him, but then she stopped. Al lowered his arm and sat back in his seat as she turned around—answering simply, "non, monsieur." Her words made his heart ache. She was answering him as though he was her boss—her keeper. He didn't want to control Benoite's life. How could he? He couldn't even control his own. All these feelings were just so confusing and and aggravating.

"Sorry?" he questioned softly, as she began to walk away from him. The anger had returned in his voice, hoping to catch her attention; he wasn't sure if it was because he wanted to yell at her or because he wanted her to stay. "What exactly are you sorry for? Sorry that you were staring at me? Or sorry that you lied?" Albus stood from his seat, beginning to pack away his things. "I don't want you to apologize, Benoite. I don't want anything from you."

WORDS a bunch
TAGGED benoite
LYRICS i miss you, blink 182
CREDIT me, bitches

[benoite guinevere rowle]

Now the lesson's learned,

[/color]
I touched it; I was burned.

Oh, I think you should know,[/color]
When I'm with him, I am thinking of you.[/color]

This fear, it was crippling. She crumbled if anyone came near her, and she just wanted to go away, do something. Die even. SHe didn't understand why this was the case, but it was. She couldn't do anything to stop it, so she just suffered through it. She didn't know what could be done about it, but she just ha dto do. Doing wasn't easy, nothing was easy. Things had almost been easy once; when she had him; she had had everything. But, she didn't deserve anything, she just was a freak, and it was a thing. She wished it weren't so, but obviously she was, if she hadn't been such a freak, then she could have had a normal life, but that was not in her future.

She looked at him as he questioned her. "Oui, sorry." She looked away again, but listened as he kept on talking. "I don't think I'm anymore guilty for staring then you are." She shot back, though her tone was hollow. "And what would you have wanted me to tell you? Who I was? Had I told you sooner, would you have been any more receptive?" She said with a biting tone. She really didn't know what he wanted her to say. She looked back towards him, and she just stared. Her look was deadpan and expectant.

"Don't you? I think you do, I think you want a lot of things from me; Albus." She said with an angry tone. She didn't know what to make of that comment, but it seemed right. He did seem to still want things from her, but fanning the flames of his anger probably wasn't in her best interest, but she did it anyhow, in fact, she turned her entire body towards him, and looked as though she might even make back towards him, but she didn't move, but did hold her ground. "So, tell me Albus, what would you have had me do? Lie to you more? This is the only lie I've ever told you, everything I ever felt was true, and this is how it ends for me. My family hates me, you hate me, and I really don't see what else I have to lose, but tell me anyhow. What would you have had me do?"

[/center][/size][/blockquote][/blockquote]

Tags: Albus!
Words: Some!
Outfit: Here!
Lyrics: Thinking Of You - Katy Perry!
Credits: Me![/font][/size]

[albus]

HELLO THERE,

[/color]
the angel from my nightmare.[/size]

WHERE ARE YOU?[/color]
and I'm so sorry.[/size]
[/center]

When he felt Benoite's sharp eyes on him, Albus suppressed a wicked shudder. Her strong-willed and independent persona had never bothered him before, but now that he knew the truth—now that he knew who she really was—she terrified and angered him all in one. Because of her, Albus wasn't sure that he could trust anyone. Because of her, Albus wasn't even sure that he could trust himself. He knew that he was just as "bad" as she was; they both had bad blood running through their veins. Albus knew there was something wrong with him that caused him to be the way he was, but he didn't want to admit it; that's why he couldn't be around Benoite. He just wanted to get away from all the darkness and evil in the world and live peacefully. Was that too much to ask?

As soon as Benoite accused him of staring back, Al got defensive. "Well, I wasn't going to just ignore you while you were staring at me," he snapped in a low voice, narrowing his eyes at her. "And yes, Benoite. Surprisingly, I did want you to be honest with me. Maybe if you had been honest with me from the beginning, things wouldn't be like this." He dropped his bag on the table and turned fully towards Benoite with his arms crossed over his chest. "You were the one person I could trust, and now I find out that you've just been playing me like a card for as long as we've known each other. What else have you lied to me about? How am I ever supposed to trust you? I can't even look at you."

Albus knew his words might sting her horribly, but in the midst of his horrible confusion and frustration, he didn't really care. "You're wrong," he stated bluntly when she insisted that he wanted something from her. "I just want to forget it all. That's all I want." Albus clenched his fists, unnerved as Benoite stood her ground and shot back at him. She was making valid points, of course, but Al wasn't going to have any of it. He didn't want to hear her make sense. "No," he said. "I don't and didn't want you to lie to me, Benoite. All I've ever wanted was your honesty. How were you and I ever supposed to be together if you couldn't tell me the truth about…?"

He couldn't finish his sentence. He nearly choked on his words, looking at Benoite and picturing the horrible man that was her father. His eyes glazed over slightly, unable to look away from her. It hurt. All of this hurt so badly, but he couldn't let it. It just seemed so terribly wrong that the girl he loved so much was his daughter. It made Albus feel sick with grief. He couldn't handle it—he didn't know how to—and for that, he felt ashamed of himself. "I don't hate you…" he whispered softly. "I can't hate you. I just… I don't know." Finally, he dropped his gaze from her soft, dark eyes to his bag and slung it over his shoulder. "I don't know."

WORDS a bunch
TAGGED benoite
LYRICS i miss you, blink 182
CREDIT me, bitches

[benoite guinevere rowle]

Now the lesson's learned,

[/color]
I touched it; I was burned.

Oh, I think you should know,[/color]
When I'm with him, I am thinking of you.[/color]

The way this was going made her think this was getting more and more complicated. They had seemingly always had an easy relationship, but this was far from it. It would never be easy for anything in her life now. Well, really nothing had naturally been easy, but now it was even worse. She could say though, she was not prepared to lose him, not if she could help it. And that shudder made her wonder, made her wonder a lot really. What was it for? Fear? No, the times she's seen him look out of sorts, he didn't act like this, this was something else. Something...deeper.

Honesty. She found herself smiling, legitamately smiling for the first time in a long time. "Faire le zouave!" (To play the fool basically. xD) She said, her voice light, amused. "You really think I could have told you? 'He's my father and my mother's a former death eater. Rest her soul.' You know where they would have locked me? Azkaban seems hardly fair for someones who has done nothing, oui?" She couldn't help who she was, and he knew that as well as she did. "I can't help who created me anymore then you can help being a Potter." She said, crossing her arms, and not backing down. He knew she was right, and there was no way around it. She smiled again, "Nothing, you know me inside and out." She said, and she cocked her head to the side about the last part, looking at him through her lashes, running her hands along her arms, "Curious, for not being able to look at me; I've hardly seen you look away once." Beauty was one thing she knew she never lacked.

No matter what he said, she knew there was something there. There had to be, she didn't dream up this stuff, and feelings like this don't ust die. It's now how the world worked. "Menteur." (Liar) She said simply, never taking her eyes off him. She knew she could be wrong, but she really didn't think she was. "About who I was? I wish I were simply a French Orphan, but life is not that simple." She said simply, finally breaking her gaze. She dropped her eyes to the floor for only a second. But looked up again, and started to speak, but he spoke again and she smiled; a less jeering smile this time.

She bit her tongue, she was scared this would blow up in her face, but what did she have to lose this time? She'd already lost everything. She moved her feet slowly, and she approached him with caution. She didn't want him to bolt, and she didn't want him to lash out either. She swallowed, and she ran her fingers through her hair, nervously. "I am sorry it turned out this way, but I was scared if I didn't tell you; he would kill you or someone in your family, and I couldn't handle that." She said simply, she wanted to reach out and touch him, but she didn't. She unfolded her arms, and acted as though she would reach for him, but stopped, pulling her hand back; afraid of retribution still.

[/center][/size][/blockquote][/blockquote]

Tags: Albus!
Words: Some!
Outfit: Here!
Lyrics: Thinking Of You - Katy Perry!
Credits: Me![/font][/size]